I remember the day my sister in law called me and said she was pregnant. My husband's brother called him at the same time to tell him the news. I have to admit initially I thought it was a joke. She had been a confidant during my struggle to get pregnant. She and I shared the bond of painful periods and husband's who had to learn patience and caretaking on that awful "first day". I helped her plan her wedding and felt so extremely happy when they exchanged vows. We all were hangout partners and we often hung out and had long talks and late nights buggin' out together. We were fam. When she told me she was pregnant, I felt slightly betrayed. I tried to sound excited but I was more in shock. From what they shared, they weren't even trying!(Haven't we heard that before, it just happened, whatever!) As she told me the whole story of a late period and getting the test and her first appoinment with the doctor, I listened and waited for the april fools, only it was June. Well being the giver that I am, without really thinking, I offerred for them to announce it to our hubbys' family the next day at my hubby and my apartment when everyone came over. My husband's sister just graduated highschool and some of their family was in town. The grandmother was here and it was what I would have wanted to do anyway. What not a better time for them to make their special announcement? After talking for sometime, we hung up and I went to cry in the bathroom. I was happy for them, but I was sad for myself and my failed attempts at charting and proper planning all that comes with ttc. I got myself together because I didn't want my husband to know I was upset. The next day after the graduation everyone came over. We were getting ready to watch a movie and I was becoming very bothered. I knew the news was coming and I felt like I just couldn't handle it. I left the room to go in my room and get myself together. Then I heard my brother in law tell everyone. Then I heard screams and laughing. Their was such happiness coming from my living room, yet all I wanted to do was jump out the window. I became sick to my stomach with anxiety. My husband came in the room to tell me to come to the living room because they wanted to pray as a family. As a Christian born and raised, I knew of the importance of praying and thanking God for His blessing and asking protection over the pregnancy. I knew the importance of two or three or more gathering in His name. But I didn't want to pray, I didn't want to be there. I wanted to yell at God. I was angry at Him because I felt He forsook me. I felt abandoned. The one thing I wanted most in the world, He gave to someone who didnt even care, and I would have to be around to watch all of it, standing in the background, unnoticed and bearing the title of barren. So as they prayed, I didn't. I looked around the room and thought of everything else. When we were mentioned in the prayer, to bless us for what was coming, I felt like saying whatever. We've been forgotten!
The next nine months of her pregnancy were hard. I knew watching the little life in her grow would be difficult to watch, and it was. Each month that went by, I got my period, and grew more bitter. And when she did something I didn't like in particular, I found my way to X her out of my life. It was easier not to befriend her and not be around her while I was going through this bitter battle, so I opted for that. And because I was more angry than happy for them, I hated myself even more, because I knew better. I was raised to be Godly, but I was living the total opposite. I was going further down to a really dark place, a place I hadn't been for a long time, and I was finding it harder to see light. I don't really have many friends in the state I live in and depend a lot on the company via phone of some of my cousins. So I spent a lot of time in the house, feeding on my depression. My husband said what he could, as did my cousins, and I would feel good from time to time, but it wouldn't last. I began feeling like drinking would help me escape, because Jesus was not listening and not speaking, so I thought. That was short lived. New Years 2011 was a lesson that I only needed one time to learn. I am not a drinker, so I had no idea what I was getting into. Needless to say, alcohol wasn't the solution! Girls in my hubby's extended friends circle were pregnant or just having babies and I couldn't take it. I hated pregnant women. I would wonder what was so much better about them than me. Why were they chosen and I wasn't? They were in cahoots with the devil, I was convinced! He and them together wanted to take me down, and I was going. Everyone who's been married after us has a child. It was just so so so unfair and unreal to me. I cried alot, withdrew myself and fixated myself on a plan to move back to my homestate to go and be where I felt loved and had my happiest memories.
My sister in law gave birth to a beautiful baby girl earlier this month. As I look at her and hear her little sounds and cries, I am brought to familiar ground. A place of happiness. The innocence of this little being that God allowed in His creation, and the amazement of yet another wonder of God uproots the bitterness in my heart. And because despair is no longer an option for me, I decided to be motivated by that miracle. One day I may have the opportunity to experience this on a more personal level, and maybe not. Either way, I decided to focus on more positive things, and delight in happier moments. I even stopped looking at pregnant women as the enemy. We are all sisters with God given purposes, some for the purpose of giving life and some for the purpose of helping sustain it, through laughter, encouragement, support and love. At the moment I'm on the latter side, but it's important all the same in His eyes.
Peace & Blessings,
L.Z.
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