The world of infertility is complicated. Your thoughts are so erratic and from one day to the next you can have a totally new perspective on what you intend on doing. I even found my faith to be subjected to this. Some days I was totally faithful, and others I was bitter and didn't believe. I began to wonder to God, " what are you doing!! Hello! Are you listening to me? Is this a punishment for something? Maybe I need to totally remake myself". I was so confused. I always believed in God and miracles and faith and grace. There is a verse that says His Grace Is Sufficient. But what happens when it feels like it's not? Where do you pull from when it feels like even God is not soothing you, calming you, assuring you of everything being ok? I was there. I was at a point where I felt God is just not gonna carry me through this. I felt so alone and unstable.
My mother recognized my downward spiraling mindset and began to call me daily with an "assignment". I was to read a verse and meditate on it, or focus on something for that day, etc. At first I wanted to just say leave me alone. But in a few days I was slowly feeling myself pull together and I was beginning to be ok. Then my mother in law text me out of the blue and invited me to do a fast with her. During the month of January our church always does a fast, and I was planning to participate but in light of my "attititude", I had definitely slacked off. So when she sent me the text, along with a scripture regarding Hannah (read 1st Samuel, Hannah is dealing with infertility and prays to the Lord to help her), I was touched.(I am such a sap really, I can be moved by almost anything!) I felt encouraged and really appreciated her reaching out to me. It was as if I was on a hike and couldn't travel anymore and while others passed me by, she was one who stopped, picked me up, gave me some water, put my arm around her neck and said we will walk to the end of this hike together. Feeling hopeful and blessed to have two people take interest in helping little old me, I decided to get up, dust myself off and keep going forward in life.
As I studied and fasted( from media, I am thin already, can you imagine?) I felt more empowered. Like one who has an exercise routine and feels better and better each day, I felt great. My focused shifted from despair and the pain of childlessness to the greatness of God, his faithfulness and how His love never fails. I began to feel more towards finding out what my purpose was at this time. If not a mother right now, what could I do, what did He want me to do. I felt free and it felt absolutely amazing! Then upon hearing that a couple we know was now expecting baby number 2, I relapsed. But I'm proud to say only for but a minute. I began to think of my situation and got sad and began to complain. Halfway through I stopped and repented to God and asked Him to help me refocus. I did and was back to living in happiness.
No matter your reasons for motherhood, no matter your desires, a few things to always hold true in your heart: *He sees and He knows all. *He has a plan for you and when You decide to let go of your own will, you will attain true happiness falling into the protection and security of Him. Why not rely on the maker and author of all things? And finally *His Grace is ALWAYS Sufficient to carry us through anything. Know this, Believe this, Live this........until next time!
PS Coming soon is my next post with more amazing info!
Love, Peace & Blessings
L.Z.
